Thursday, February 16, 2006

Insecurity

I have an obsession. I try to be humourous during conversations. Not every now and then, but at all times.In the lack of opportunity to be so, I make a fool of myself. I try to make up a joke involving myself. I male up a story to make others laugh. I may have never done that or someone might have narrated it to me. But I always re-tell it in the first person to amuse others. I have never cared for what impression that it would leave of me, on them.

I begin to realize that it is a wrong approach. I explore deep inside. I travel far inside and find the cause. INSECURITY.

But can I ever change?

This I write when I am high on alcohol.

37 comments:

vishy said...

well Rajesh.. ithula enna thappu.. I guess people who might meet you for the first time might be surprised ot taken aback.. but once they meet u a couple a times.. they wld definitely get to know you and ur nature..

infact na ungala first time Dallas la Chandramukhi pakarche dhan meet pannen.. (ofcourse we didnt talk then).. neenge theater la panna rouse thangala.. konjam galeejjaah than behave panninga.. but then after I met you a coula times... I realised ur a fullto jolly guy.. and its not insecurity.. sometimes we do crazy things to get importance/get noticed.. whatever.. ana point is u shld get noticed or get the importance after u do tht crazy thing.. cha appadintu... kandukama poita waste..

Impression is wht others think you are and character is what you think you are.

So its better to maintain the character.. impression aaah vittu thallunga..


Finally: Alcohol + lemon urgai makes good combination..

maheshbalaji said...

anna... ennamo neenga enna paththi ezhithinaa maari oru feeling! anyways... yaarukku thaan illa insecurity? and insecure-a irukkara mukkavaasi peru-la.. paathi perukku athu insecurity thaanney theryiaathu... therinja sila perum othukka maataanga! neenga mabbula kooda ivlo theliva yosicheenga apdeengartha thaan paaratanum!

naa rajesh anna ppadeenu yosichu[infact some others too i shud guess]... neenga constant-a adikkara joke/kadi thaan nyaabagam varum! and no one is complaining anna! so jus be the way u r!

humour is a BIG gift to be carping about! paavam nariya peru athu illama thavikkaraannga... neenga santhosama siringa/sirikka veinga!

Anusha Parthasarathy said...

Hello

I am really surprised that you folks are correlating insecurity and "trying to be funny'thing. Its got nothing to do with insecurity. Lot of us do that- make jokes about ourselves, cook up things just to make others feel comfortable and enjoy.Ofcourse an uptight person uses this strategy to relax :)

There's nothing wrong about that :)

Rajesh: Be the way you are...As your friend rightly says character is what you think you are...

Who know with your funny doings and humorous jokes (or kadis), you might be known as a humorous 'personality' or 'character' :)

Hmm...booze panreengalaa? Enna hot or cold? :)

Btw welcome back from Hibernation :p

R. Balaji said...

aana... edhu epadi irundhalummm... indha madhiri matter ellam veliya udumbodhu nidhanathula irrukaradhu nalladhu. :)
Mathapadi podhu vazhkayile idhaelam sagajam-pa

Rajesh said...

Makkaley,
Naan kudichadhu 3 teaspoons of Benadryl. Kavalai vendaam.
Vishy,
Rajini padathula maattum dhaan naan appadi pannuven.

terrywhatlee said...

Call it healthy or unhealthy, but the feeling of insecurity seems to be present to a larger dose in Indians, IMHO. I realize I'm posting this where the majority of the readers are going to be from India. How many fellow Indians do you know personally who decide to take a break from their job and go on a World Tour? How many Indians do you know who go the extra mile to do things a certain way so there is little scope for criticism? The background that one have a "stable" job before one gets married. The other way to put this would be that Personal Security is treasured more in India. In my view, this is the driving power for many Indians.

வேதா said...

hi rajesh,
3 spoon benadryl ulla ponathukke ippdi aadi poi polambi irukeenga. kavalaiya vidunga. life-la ellarukum oru stage-la antha insecurity feeling vara thaan seiyum. ithukellam poi kavalai padalaama. be positive and enjoy life. ellarukkum timely humour varumaa enna? athukellam neenga punniyam senjirukkenum. u know the secret to attract others by ur humorous speech. so laugh and make others laugh.

ashok said...

rajesh...iam more surprised at the looooong comments this post has evoked than the post itself...

Rajesh said...

terrywhatlee,
You are right about the Desi mindframe.

Ashok,
I polambified, probably others are empathsing with me.

Veda,
Benadryl kudichaa konjam bodhaiyaa dhaan irukkum. However, Insecurity and being funny go hand in hand. Maybe you are far well grounded to understand that. But the funny ones in public who act very confident and social are the most insecure of all and yourstruly is no exception

Anusha,
Thanks for the advise. Enakku oru thangachi irundha idhedhaan sollirupaa.

Anonymous said...

I'd disagree with Anusha. You do have a problem. Entertaining others with what you haven't done is ok sometimes, but not all the time. You do have an insecurity problem or you wouldn't feel the need to please or entertain in a crowd all the time. Start by introspecting more. Set a limit to how many times you could do that at one point of time and check yourself if you're going over the limit. Also, feel good about yourself and the way you are. Don't believe that you should do more than what you are, just to have people think that you're smart or funny.
It's a very small problem, but something which you should give attention to nevertheless. One should check flaws and try to be consistent in character. Sorry if i'd offended you in anyway.
By the way, i read your blog often and i like it. And i'm glad you're honest about yourself. I live in Arlington, TX. Pretty close,right?

Rajesh said...

Anon,
Regular reader yet anonymous?

Thanks for the frank suggestion. That is the very reason I posted this one.

Anusha Parthasarathy said...

Rajesh and the rest

http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=JjvzQm4bJ8s&search=iklan%20petronas%20deepavali%20indian%20india%20malaysia%20humor

Check this out...its damn funny :)

cheers
Anusha

Rajesh said...

Anusha,
It has been around for some time now.

Ajay said...

benadrylke intha effecta? appo tequilana?..

Suman said...

Nee eppa da kudikka aarambichey? Kalikaalam!

Usha said...

Naan kekka vandha adhe kelvi Ajay kettutadhanala, I am not repeating it. But under any case, I think any human being except for those grim people is like that. Humor-nradhu innate stuff Rajesh, adhai neenga ivalo serious-a eduthu introspect panniruka venda..

Anonymous said...

Rajesh,
Just a thought... Most of us suffer from insecurity. It just varies. To overcome insecuriy, you have to think why you are getting it in the first place. ie. what causes it?. say for eg, one might think one is not good looking, not rich, not intelligent, some people would say they have to prove it to others etc. so then you have to start thinking, "its okay to be like that and it is okay to have deficiency and others can make fun about it and they can express their views". There are many ways people express insecurity, like joking about themselves, get irritated and turns it against the other person to cover their weakness etc. Many people say it starts during our teen years and also during 25-27 age. If you have noticed it, you can see some people whom we might think they have superiority complex might actually be suffering from insecurity. Even I have suffered it a little bit but its okay now. I am kind of happy because I don't think what others might think about me but at the same time accepting my mistakes and don't get pissed off about others. Usually women have more insecurity than men and it is proven (can't live with them and can't live without them :-)) by medical tests (something to do with their genes). I have read many books on existentialism, Camus's, etc. But the best book is Bhagavad-Gita As It is, especially chapters 7, 14, 13, 11 etc. When you read and understand it then you would "really care and appreciate others and you wouldn't have these insecurity feelings. Whatever we do and suffer now is because of past karma and we should straighten it. Sorry for the long mail, but I just wanted to share what it took me around 1 year to realize. I also share what the other anonymous said.

thanks
S

Anonymous said...

Ok. I'm the 'other anonymous'. And S is right. Insecurity starts because of 1. attachment to things and 2. comparision with others(in better situation than us). Answers to both problems can be found in the Gita.
1. Treat everything you have in this world like a Headmaster would treat everything in his school. Once his term is over, he gives over everything ungrudgingly to his successor. He doesn't hang on to the school like it's his own because he'd have always treated it with detachment and duty. God gave you(him) the world(school) to use and experience, not to own. If you think this way, you won't feel the need to entertain or please anybody. In short, you won't feel any obligation to others in a personal sense because you'd be doing your duty with detachment and would not be expecting the fruits of your actions. You wouldn't care what others might think about you.
2. And as for comparision with others standing (i'm not saying you do this consciously. You could be doing it subconsciously or the problem of trying to please wouldn't arise), you shouldn't want anything because you've everything within you. The universe is within you. And like they say, 'You appear as the smiling flower, as the twinkling star. What is there in the world, which makes you desire anything?'. See yourself in everybody and everything. Then you won't have any complexes. Another way to think is that God has created everybody with equal love. He treats everybody alike be it a robber or a Banker. So why should you crave for anybody's attention? The world is the biggest and the best university. Learn your lessons slowly and steadily. You'll be fine. Don't worry about others lessons.
Easier said than done though!
And don't you think i'm a person with control over all these just because i have the information.I'm in many ways like you. My lessons are going slow too. But atleast i'm glad that i know my problems and i'm on my way to getting better in character.

Rajesh said...

anons,

Thanks for the sincere advice that you both have bestowed.
Although neither of you have shared your name, the length of your replies gives me the confidence that you do care.

So, here is my problem....
I don't care for "what others would think" as much as what I feel about myself. I try to be silent, restrict from cracking a joke or act unmotivated to move the conversation to the next level. Obviously friends, who have not seen me this way, ask questions like "What happened Rajesh? Is everything alright. Why are you silent...". After a while I have no other option but to begin my entertainment. This has been going on for years now. I just don't know how to put an end to it. Do u guys know me? If so you will agree that I am not lying.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you Rajesh. I just read your blog and i happened to get hooked to it because of your Rajaji post.
Now coming to the point, think of it yourself. You don't care what impression your conversation leaves on others and continue to entertain them with your true or fictious stories. But there is some subconscious motive(like your wanting them to think you're funny etc) behind such behaviour right? If not motive, it is that you want them to be amused right? Why? Why do you want them to be?
And, you said crack jokes involving yourself. Now, this is good. You make up the stories and anecdotes. This is acceptable. But doing it all the time? Not good.
Secondly, you said people start feeling concerned if you're not your 'normal' self and that you then resume being lively. Now, are they compelling you to act that way? If they are, aren't you being influenced by what they 'think of you' rather than what 'you are'? And aren't you being too drastic by being absolutely quiet for sometime and then resuming funny talk? Don't you think that transition should be slow and steady, till your not being the story-teller all the time goes unnoticed?
Like i said before, this problem is very small, yet important enough to work on. You do need to change your behaviour a wee bit. But make that change a gradual one. You should know better than anybody else how to do that. Try a little more introspection.
PS: 1. Let me call myself Arlington Anonymous from now, till i choose to disclose my identity.
2. I l-o-v-e your Purusha Sooktham recital. Your voice is lovely. Are you learning to recite vedam?

Rajesh said...

Anonymous from Arlington,
Your assessment is right. I have been abrupt thus far. Will work towards gradually toning myself down.

I am learning Veda for the past one month from a Guru who is on a tourist visa. Thanks for the comment.

Rajesh said...

Btw, Rajaji is my idol. Are you from Tamilnadu. Unfortunately his legacy is not being well maintained

Anonymous said...

I know! I love Rajaji too. And Gandhiji. And Sarveppali Radhakrishnan. And Vinoba Bhave. And Vallabhai Patel. And the list could go on. And true, their legacy is not being maintained well. People hardly have any respect for such great personalities these days. Always the same- 'We would've got our independence much earlier had these people not butted in'. Anyways, nice to know you like Rajaji.
You're lucky to learn vedam from a Guru. I tried working with cassettes and CDs, but they couldn't sustain my enthusiasm. A Guru brings discipline.
Where am i from? Hyderabad.Routine story. Completed BTech in India. Flew to the US for MS. Done with that. Job hunting now.And so, the leisurely comments.
-Arlington Anon

Suman said...

yabbaaaa! Dhodaaa!

Rajesh said...

Suman,
Enna soundu? Unga thaatha Rajaji ya pathi dhaan pesindirukkom .

Anonymous said...

Rajesh,
Most of the times insecurity comes because of self-esteem. (which is totally different from self-confidence). When people have low self-esteem they get this insecurity. Mind it, it is not that they will always have this self-esteem problem all the time. 75% of the time they would be cool and nice and they would be talking to others and everything. But sometimes when they think (subconsiously) that they are dealing with somebody who is different (in actual case they may not, it is just that their mind working against them) and they do not belong to that class, they get nervous. You are really lucky, in the sense, you learned that you have this insecurity, because most of us would be unable to learn it. Also since some people get it when they deal other people (someone they are not close to), they would think that they are perfectly alright and it is the other person who is in mistake. Also they would be full of self-confidence so they just would dismiss that they have insecurity.

To deal with my insecurity and all, I read all these books and I used to listem to vedhas and everything (actually I have an article that is a tamil version of all the four vedas and if you want I can send it to you). But one of the main thing that helped me was, learning horoscope. It is amazing how it works. I still dont believe it ie. horoscope (main reason, i dont want to depend on it too much and not do my duty ) but whatever it says about me personally so far been true to an extent. I would say that learning it really helped to come out it.

Also they say man is a social animal. We want acceptance from others and that is the way it is. To some extent we always try to amuse and get appreciated by others. I read your blog and it sounds like you don't have that much of a problem especially since you learned that you suffer from insecurity. And over the period you will be alright.

I saw you quoting Maslow, have you read about him and his quotes?. He is actually good and better than Freud when it comes to insecurity and self-esteem.

I am from Tamil nadu and there is no particular reason why I chose to be anonymous and actually my name starts with S. so no big deal.

thanks
S

Rajesh said...

S,
Thanks. I read only articles. I do not have the patience to read a full book. From whatever I read about Maslow, I am impressed. But don't remember quoting him in the recent past. Glad to know that there are many silent readers. I thought nobody noticed the Rajaji and VS Sastri posts.

Deepa said...

Is that you Chandler (from Friends) ?:-)

Anonymous said...

S, Can you explain how and to what extent horoscope helped you overcome insecurities? I mean, i don't see the connection.
In my opinion, knowing one's horoscope could ruin things too. What if your horoscope says your life won't get any better than it is? Wouldn't you give up trying to make things better? And suppose, your horoscope says your spouse will bring you a lot of bad luck. Would you go ahead and get married without any prejudices?
To overcome insecurities or any problem for that matter, we need God's Anugraha and not the right position of Grahas. What do you say?
-Arlington Anon
PS: I don't mean to contend your point, but i'm saying that the plan could backfire!

Anonymous said...

Deepa,
cute comment :-). but we all loved him, didn't we?.

Rajesh,
I read your Rajaji article and only after that I started reading your blogs because I share the same views. Did you know that Gandhiji was telling everyone that Rajaji was his true follower and he (not Nehru) should be the next one to take over the leadership until Rajaji made that comment about partition. Just think how much we could have developed? or atleast, we wouldn't have had Nehru family and now Saniyan-Rahu Gandhi.

thanks
S

Anonymous said...

To Anon,
People have wrong notions about horoscope. No, horoscope is not against love marriages. In fact if you read the original manuscripts (like Parasara's Hora sara), they clearly say nothing comes in between true love. Also horoscope is your present karma that depends on your past lifes action. Say, you have done something bad in your previous life and not repented about it, then you would suffer the consequences in this life. BUT, you can make a difference in your current life itself by doing things differently (I am not going to go into this since it is a ocean).

BPHS doesn't say that the placement of planets decides your fate. It says that you will run into these problems and you might have a problem in these things, but you can overcome it by knowing about it. In fact it wants you to overcome all these problems that are given in your horoscope so that you will have a better life. You have to work hard to achieve anything. You might have something in your horoscope that might say that you will get money, but you still have to go and work hard to get that money.

Yes, you are correct that God controls everything but Grahas control your past actions and karma and even God can't do anything about it unless you go through the punishments and learn why it is happening to you.

Regards to me, yes the positions of moon, mars etc. decides your character. But what actually helped me was not just positions of grahas but understanding why we are like this and why I have insecurity and karma etc. (in much broader sense). I am not sure how to explain it. let me try to give you a eg. My nature is accept whatever that is correct and I would change my position if I feel that others are correct. But my mind would play games with me afterwards ie. I would start feeling that I am not strong enough and other people are getting better of me and they are using me. I would get all frustrated and would say something that might actually hurt others and in turn I would regret later. Then I read my horoscope and I realised why I am doing that. Now I am peaceful with who I am and I don't mind changing my stance if I think others are correct and I don't worry about my image and all.

As I said previously, I don't totally trust it because I am scared myself, that I would start following this blindly. Also I have to admit that I am not a true follower of horsocope because deep down even I don't believe it but sometimes it is just too perfect so I couldn't ignore it either. One of the things that fascinate me is the actual correlation between horoscope and science. Something thats been predicted few thousand years ago actually turns out to be true even today. Even recently NASA announced that they recently found out that movement of sun changes during the month of January which was already predicted by our vedas that it happens after uttarayana punyakala..

My wife always tell me that I am defensive but I used to say I am not and I am just being rational. :-). But when you asked me these questions, I felt I am being a little defensive. We all grew in science world and if somebody told me about horoscope few years ago I would have dismissed it then and there. But after learning it or should I say realizing it, I have to say that horosocope is correct. Many people have misused horoscopes for their own good and also many people just don't understand the true meaning of it. Also I really don't want to discuss horoscope any further unless someone is interested in learning it a little further and then I will provide links. I am sorry. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

S, I didn't mean to offend you in any way.I was just curious to know how you think your horoscope helped you. I'm a complete believer in the principles behind horoscopes myself. I believe in the change of planetary positions affecting our lives etc. And i have never in my life tried to 'rationalize' the truth or falsehood behind astrology. I believe astrology to be a science just like i believe Astronomy or Botany. But having seen some of my close relatives falling into the 'Horoscopes control our lives and we can't get out of it. Period.' thinking, i encourage people not to be obsessed with them and to have faith in themselves and God.
And it's not true that God cannot do anything about planetary positions and that we have to bear the consequences of our past actions. God CAN wipe out our karma in no time. But he chooses not to do that beacause we wouldn't learn our lessons effectively that way.
You know the bitter medicine story? Mothers give bitter medicine to their sick babies even though the babies might hate them for it because it's important for curing the illness. Just like that, God gives us our bitter karma. HE can't help it! :)
-Arlington Anon
PS: I understand that you're thinking the right way about all this, but it's difficult to describe one's feelings in the limited space on a blog. So i'd like to put an end to this discussion here, from my side. Ciao.

Rajesh said...

S,
On a lighter note, I like your Sanian-Rahu usage. I can feel the effect of the grahas. Hope it is as short as 71/2 years instead of a life sentence.

If you liked the Rajaji post, I suggest you to read articles by V. Sundaram (Retd. IAS Officer) who writes for some newspaper.

Anonymous said...

Anon,
No offense taken. It is just that I cannot explain everything about horoscope for others to understand what exactly it is. There are so many things out there that some people think it is everything and some people think it is nothing. And also you sounded like the second category :-) and that is why I backed off especially I used to argue with everyone about horoscope before. so you can imagine :-).

Most of the old people think like that about astrology (ie. it controls our life etc) and it is mainly due to the disappointments they have faced in their life. Instead of thinking why it happened all the time it is easy to console yourself when you think that there is something more powerful that controls your life.

Also God can help in some instances. We can't do 100 wrong things and when one bad thing happens to us, we can't run to God and expect him to do justice for us. That is what I meant and then it is upto Grahas.. I am matured enough to think nowdadays that whenever a bad thing happens to me, I tend to think that there is a lesson in it and try to figure it out instead of thinking why it happened to me and all..

Anyway, it was nice talking to you.

Rajesh,
:-)

thanks
S

R. Balaji said...

From an interview I read in The Week.
"When you have conviction you don't need to convince people. You be what you are and they will be what they are." - Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, spiritual guru and founder of Art of Living Foundation.

Rajesh said...

balaji,
Sri Ravishankar was also interviewed by rediff readers. His responses are very indifferent.Let me put it this way, I had a very high regard for him before reading his responses in rediff. But who am I to judge?

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